You say you are better than me. You try to destroy me. You try to take what I have built around me. Why do you hate me? You say you know how I am. It's been 4 years. You don't know me anymore. Your actions sadden me. You have turned from this magnificent, amazing, beautiful young woman into a monstrous, vile, corrupt, destructive ghost. What happened to you?
PART 1 A- Friendship: The beginning
Let me tell ya'll about a certain person. I met a girl way back in 2003. She was dating my sister's best friend (who my sister was also totally in love with). This girl was "gothic". She had dark eyes and a mesmerizing smile. She had long, dark hair. She was the most gorgeous girl I had ever seen. She got engaged and then shortly after, she and the guy split. I guess it was a very bloody breakup.
I looked up and saw her standing in the front of the church receiving prayer from the pastor. When I looked into her eyes I could see the pain and the despair rising with each breath she took. I immediately gave her my number and told her to call if she needed anything. I told her I would always be there for her, no matter what. Days went by and I didn't hear from her. So I called her. We began a friendship.
For a year, we danced around each other. I was always there for her. She would scream at me and tell me she didn't love, she didn't need me and she didn't want me around. My usual reply? "Have you eaten?" I never let her words get to me because I knew that she needed someone - maybe not me, but someone. I remember the day she saw him at Eat N Park. My boyfriend and his best friend had come down and we all hung out - my sister included. She saw him and she became paralyzed. i could feel the change in her energy; I could hear the uneasiness in her breaths. She latched onto my shoulders for support because she couldn't stand. I transferred all of my energy directly into her - at least as much as I could without passing out. I calmed her. I held her.
The year was full of interesting events. Applebee's runs, Tominson Run Park walks, Walmart trips for the hell of it... She quickly became my best friend. We'd go to my room and lay on my bed and listen to mix tapes that I had recorded. When Usher, Shania Twain or J-Lo would play, she would sing and I would laugh because it was horridly yet purposely off-key. Yet when a song played that she loved, I would hear her true voice and it was like angels were in my room. I remember taking her to a psychology debate that one of my favorite professors was heading. She asked me all these serious questions and I was able to show her my true intellectual self. She told me I reminded her of Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer - powerful yet completely academically dorky and quirky. I had never seen Buffy, so I had no idea who she was talking about. I'd randomly get outta class early and speed to her high school so I could surprise her and pick her up. She'd always ask me "Does my mom know?" and what she never realized is I had always called her mom and asked permission before I even left the college.
I remember the first time she told me she was developing feelings for me. We were on our way out of Raccoon State Park and we stopped on the side of the road, got out of the car and sat on an old, rugged picnic table. She told me that she always liked girls, but that she thought she was falling in love with me. At this point, she had chopped all of her hair off. She had attempted to dye it blonde and it was more of a reddish-orange than blonde. She wearing light blue jeans and a black and pink fairy shirt. Totally different than what she was when we had originally first met. I told her that I was straight and that I couldn't be gay. Homosexuality was wrong in God's eyes, but that wouldn't mean I'd stop hanging out with her. After the light turned dark, we went to dinner - to none other than the famous Applebees.
We were inseparable. I taught her many things and she taught me many things. We found a place of refuge in each other. We found an incredible friendship. She would hold me when I would cry about my father. She would hold me after I told her I was raped. I told her everything about me - my fears, my desires, my wants...everything. I wanted to go to Australia and attend Hillsong International Leadership College. She told me she couldn't bear to be 4 years without me, so she was coming with. We even created avatars and made a book about going and what we would study, where we would stay and what all we had to do before we went. I was going into Counseling and she was going into Youth Ministry. She told me she always wanted to go to Lee University - which was a huge Christian university in Tennessee (maybe it was Kentucky...one of those states). She said she always felt the desire to help young kids and young teenagers. I saw how she interacted with pre-teens and i thought that was an AMAZING idea and she would be sooooo good at it. However, when I told her I wanted to go to Hillsong, she told me that she would come with me and we could embark on the adventure of a new country together - that way i'd be less scared.
It was a friendship like i never thought i'd ever have. There was something so special about it. She made me feel like I was worth something...like everything that my father ever told me was lie. She made me feel beautiful and alive. I could finally open up and tell a joke. I told her one day I wanted to wear make up, but I didn't know the first thing about it. We went up to my room and she helped me apply my first eyeliner (that i did willingly), eyeshadow and mascara. When it all was done, she took a step back and gently exhaled and said "breath-taking". I probably blushed like a school girl - but then again, I kinda was one. I began wearing dresses, skirts, girly tops and different shoes. I felt like a butterfly.
Every time my father would threaten my mother or he would call me or make an ass of himself - she was always there. She was never selfish. She was totally worried about me, my sanity and my safety. She found scars on my wrists one day. We talked about why they were there. They were fresh. I showed her my outer thighs that were covered in deep, blood red streaks. Those cuts still burned. She put her hand on my jagged skin, looked me in the eyes and told me they were beautiful. She told me that scars tell a story and they are nothing to be ashamed of. She made me promise that any time i felt like cutting, i would call her first. I promised. One day, I felt like cutting so badly and I called her. She had her mom drive her to my house and she ran up the stairs to my room as I was fighting with a blade. The blade was facing outwards - she could see it, but she didn't care. She covered my sitting form with her body and blade cut her stomach through her shirt. I heard her cry out in pain, but she didn't move. She wouldn't let go of me. I dropped the blade and it landed on the floor between my knees. She held me tighter and I grabbed onto her and cried. Blood soaked through her shirt - she had to have been in a massive amount of pain, but she never showed it. As my crying jag came to a slow halt, she eased away from me. Her blood that had soaked through her shirt had transferred onto my bare stomach. I hated myself for hurting her. She was an angel that was sent to help me. Yet she thought I was the angel sent to help her.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Triangle Tara
Triangle Tara is well...a doll. A doll for charity. Sound a bit weird? Well, it kinda is, but it's original and that's the one and only thing we can all expect from Amber Benson. Each year around the holiday season, Amber Benson begins to sell the "Triangle Tara" and the first week she is sold, the price is $100 with 100% of all the proceeds go to the LA Food Bank and the remaining time she is sold through the holidays Triangle Tara's price increases to $125 with 50% of the proceeds going directly to the LA. Food Bank.
This year, Amber is also including a few different ways to benefit the LA Food Bank AND at the same time give back to her fans. Not everyone can afford a $100-$125 doll - even if it is for charity. That's just a reality. SO, with that being said, Amber has created a few contests. If you donate $10 or more to the LA. Food Bank AND send your receipt into the email provided on the charity's site, then you will be entered to win a Triangle Tara doll or a mystery prize. Three people will be randomly chosen for these prizes.
If you are like me - broke as hell - there is a way for you to help too! Simply SPREAD THE WORD. Get on Facebook, Twitter, Myspace (who even uses Myspace anymore?), Blogger, LiveJournal, Xanga (again, who uses Xanga?) or any other social medium readily available to you and talk about the charity and the cause for it. Then, email the charity (again, on the email provided listed on the site - which i will list below) and tell Amber where you posted/talked about the charity event. After doing this very minimal task (honestly, if I don't see 10,000 posts about this on Facebook, I'm going to be upset...no one is asking for your left arm), you will be entered to win a signed photo of Amber Benson wearing...wait for it... a Justin Bieber shirt! Ok...ya'll can stop laughing - actually don't, since it is pretty hysterical. However, from Tweets, Amber doesn't have Bieber Fever, it was a scavenger hunt that she got "sucked" into. Regardless, the photo is still pretty funny and is sure to make you - or anyone else for that matter - have at least a smile.
Ok everyone, so you know what to do... Mosey your booty over to...
http://www.loversliarsandlunatics.com/TaraForCharity.htm
and help Amber raise money for food.
This year, Amber is also including a few different ways to benefit the LA Food Bank AND at the same time give back to her fans. Not everyone can afford a $100-$125 doll - even if it is for charity. That's just a reality. SO, with that being said, Amber has created a few contests. If you donate $10 or more to the LA. Food Bank AND send your receipt into the email provided on the charity's site, then you will be entered to win a Triangle Tara doll or a mystery prize. Three people will be randomly chosen for these prizes.
If you are like me - broke as hell - there is a way for you to help too! Simply SPREAD THE WORD. Get on Facebook, Twitter, Myspace (who even uses Myspace anymore?), Blogger, LiveJournal, Xanga (again, who uses Xanga?) or any other social medium readily available to you and talk about the charity and the cause for it. Then, email the charity (again, on the email provided listed on the site - which i will list below) and tell Amber where you posted/talked about the charity event. After doing this very minimal task (honestly, if I don't see 10,000 posts about this on Facebook, I'm going to be upset...no one is asking for your left arm), you will be entered to win a signed photo of Amber Benson wearing...wait for it... a Justin Bieber shirt! Ok...ya'll can stop laughing - actually don't, since it is pretty hysterical. However, from Tweets, Amber doesn't have Bieber Fever, it was a scavenger hunt that she got "sucked" into. Regardless, the photo is still pretty funny and is sure to make you - or anyone else for that matter - have at least a smile.
Ok everyone, so you know what to do... Mosey your booty over to...
http://www.loversliarsandlunatics.com/TaraForCharity.htm
and help Amber raise money for food.
Monday, November 28, 2011
The Sun Will Rise
I've looked over this past week and a half of events and my heart goes out to so many people and then honestly it laughs at others. My girlfriend's grandmother died, my aunt's boyfriend/fiance died, and so many other smaller things happened. I have never been good with death. I guess I look at it differently than most people and a lot of people think that I am cold hearted or arrogant, but I'm not. Like with my girlfriend's grandmother, I feel so bad for the family. I cannot even imagine what Kristen's mom is going through. However, the side that people really look at me and go "you're such a bad person" for is her grandmother had problems and didn't want to take care of herself. The same goes for my aunt's boyfriend. He had so many problems and so many opportunities to take care of himself and he didn't. How can i feel sympathy for a person who literally says to the universe "take me away, life isn't worth living,"?
It's sad that there are so many people in this world that just give up. They don't see the beauty in merely breathing. I know life gets hard and I know that there are times when we all want to give up. I was there, many times before. My father was very abusive and he did things to me that I refuse to tell anyone because I don't want to be that victim. I've dealt with it - 20 years later - but there was a point where i hadn't dealt with it. My teen years were so full of malice, hate, disgust and uncertainty. I remember a friend of mine sold Vicodin at school and she'd give them to me if I did her homework. I'm not proud of my past, but there's a reason it's called "past". I was always looking for ways to dull the pain, to hide the pain, and to be in control of the pain. I started cutting at a young age, but i never cut where people could see. I knew that if it was obvious I would get questioned and I didn't want to be question since it was a form of dealing with what was going on and not a cry for help. Eventually, I was able to suppress that need to control the pain and get on living my life.
However what I just realized as I am writing this is that I had a "medium" that helped me suppress that pain. The week I stopped cutting was the week my first girlfriend kissed me. It's odd how you come to realizations as you type. Things you didn't think about before are suddenly so clear. However, after we broke up, I went back to that place of needing to control the pain, needing to escape the pain and needing to feel something...anything. This time, as I came out of it, I came out of by myself. I didn't have something to hold onto. I realized that cutting, cocaine, alcohol and meaningless sex were worthless to my cause. They quickly became replaced with tears.
Here I am, a 25 year old college "kid" for lack of a better term and I have gathered that life can never throw you something so horrific that you give up on yourself. I look and I see people over 40 who give up daily. I can understand younger people feeling so down and so low that they don't know which way is up. That's all a part of life, growing and learning. I don't understand why people my generation looks up to is setting such a bad example. It's not just about the "not caring if you live or die" part, it's about my generation's parents not caring about themselves in general. They (not all but a lot of them) have set such bad examples for my generation in general. There are so many women who are stuck in a loveless relationship or marriage simply because they are afraid. My mother was one of these people.
For as long as I can remember my father was abusive in some way, shape or form. He would use verbal threats, physical intimidation, emotional pulls, mind-games..etc. I saw my mother - who everyone said was this spitfire of a woman who didn't take shit from anyone - be totally submissive to this domineering man. He had such power over her. He controlled her every move; He controlled my every move. That is until one I had had enough. One day he pushed me just far enough that I snapped. I'll never forget it. He got up in my face about something - a job i think - and I was done. I reached behind me and grabbed the knife that was on the kitchen counter and I pushed him in between the counter and the fridge and I held the knife to his throat and told him that he needed to get the fuck out of my house otherwise I would kill him. I have never felt as much rage in my life as I did that one afternoon. It kind of feels like that one afternoon was about survival instead of just being pissed off.
I can't change what happened to me as a child. I can't change the role models I had growing up. Since my father and my mom split apart, my mom has worked to become this strong, independent, self sufficient, magnificent woman that I look up to. I can't blame her for being oblivious during my childhood. So many women do the exact same thing. However, I refuse to be that woman. Whether my girlfriend and I make it together in this life or not, one thing still stands true...I have a daughter. I am going to be an example to her. No one knows whether love will last - it is a choice. However, being a parent is gift...one that should be held precious and parents should make the most of their lives so their children can see an example.
No one knows what their life is going to entail. No one knows what lies ahead on their journey. It's not a matter of the obstacles that we each face every day. What counts is that we go through them and we learn from them. We are all going to feel incompetent at times. We are all going to feel like we can't go on. However there is nothing worth your life. Your life is precious and many people are affected by just your breathing. Take care of yourself. Do what you are told to do. Love and Love Hard. Never look back. Press on.
"When you feel like the day won't break a sunless night...the sun will rise"
-All my love
It's sad that there are so many people in this world that just give up. They don't see the beauty in merely breathing. I know life gets hard and I know that there are times when we all want to give up. I was there, many times before. My father was very abusive and he did things to me that I refuse to tell anyone because I don't want to be that victim. I've dealt with it - 20 years later - but there was a point where i hadn't dealt with it. My teen years were so full of malice, hate, disgust and uncertainty. I remember a friend of mine sold Vicodin at school and she'd give them to me if I did her homework. I'm not proud of my past, but there's a reason it's called "past". I was always looking for ways to dull the pain, to hide the pain, and to be in control of the pain. I started cutting at a young age, but i never cut where people could see. I knew that if it was obvious I would get questioned and I didn't want to be question since it was a form of dealing with what was going on and not a cry for help. Eventually, I was able to suppress that need to control the pain and get on living my life.
However what I just realized as I am writing this is that I had a "medium" that helped me suppress that pain. The week I stopped cutting was the week my first girlfriend kissed me. It's odd how you come to realizations as you type. Things you didn't think about before are suddenly so clear. However, after we broke up, I went back to that place of needing to control the pain, needing to escape the pain and needing to feel something...anything. This time, as I came out of it, I came out of by myself. I didn't have something to hold onto. I realized that cutting, cocaine, alcohol and meaningless sex were worthless to my cause. They quickly became replaced with tears.
Here I am, a 25 year old college "kid" for lack of a better term and I have gathered that life can never throw you something so horrific that you give up on yourself. I look and I see people over 40 who give up daily. I can understand younger people feeling so down and so low that they don't know which way is up. That's all a part of life, growing and learning. I don't understand why people my generation looks up to is setting such a bad example. It's not just about the "not caring if you live or die" part, it's about my generation's parents not caring about themselves in general. They (not all but a lot of them) have set such bad examples for my generation in general. There are so many women who are stuck in a loveless relationship or marriage simply because they are afraid. My mother was one of these people.
For as long as I can remember my father was abusive in some way, shape or form. He would use verbal threats, physical intimidation, emotional pulls, mind-games..etc. I saw my mother - who everyone said was this spitfire of a woman who didn't take shit from anyone - be totally submissive to this domineering man. He had such power over her. He controlled her every move; He controlled my every move. That is until one I had had enough. One day he pushed me just far enough that I snapped. I'll never forget it. He got up in my face about something - a job i think - and I was done. I reached behind me and grabbed the knife that was on the kitchen counter and I pushed him in between the counter and the fridge and I held the knife to his throat and told him that he needed to get the fuck out of my house otherwise I would kill him. I have never felt as much rage in my life as I did that one afternoon. It kind of feels like that one afternoon was about survival instead of just being pissed off.
I can't change what happened to me as a child. I can't change the role models I had growing up. Since my father and my mom split apart, my mom has worked to become this strong, independent, self sufficient, magnificent woman that I look up to. I can't blame her for being oblivious during my childhood. So many women do the exact same thing. However, I refuse to be that woman. Whether my girlfriend and I make it together in this life or not, one thing still stands true...I have a daughter. I am going to be an example to her. No one knows whether love will last - it is a choice. However, being a parent is gift...one that should be held precious and parents should make the most of their lives so their children can see an example.
No one knows what their life is going to entail. No one knows what lies ahead on their journey. It's not a matter of the obstacles that we each face every day. What counts is that we go through them and we learn from them. We are all going to feel incompetent at times. We are all going to feel like we can't go on. However there is nothing worth your life. Your life is precious and many people are affected by just your breathing. Take care of yourself. Do what you are told to do. Love and Love Hard. Never look back. Press on.
"When you feel like the day won't break a sunless night...the sun will rise"
-All my love
Monday, November 21, 2011
The Definition of the Phrase "I'm Behind You"
To Be Behind You Means:
~I can cheer you on
~I can push you at something I know you want and need to go for
~I can catch you when you lose your balance and begin to fall
~It means I can kick you in the butt or slap you upside the back of your head when you've done something really stupid
~I can catch things that you didn't see coming
~I can help guide you when you are lost
~I can keep you balanced when you are unsteady
~and anytime you need a shoulder to cry on, all you have to do is turn around.
~I can cheer you on
~I can push you at something I know you want and need to go for
~I can catch you when you lose your balance and begin to fall
~It means I can kick you in the butt or slap you upside the back of your head when you've done something really stupid
~I can catch things that you didn't see coming
~I can help guide you when you are lost
~I can keep you balanced when you are unsteady
~and anytime you need a shoulder to cry on, all you have to do is turn around.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
The Heartbreak of 4 seconds....
Yesterday was the game of all games. It was the first time I went to college football game...my college's football game. I have always wanted to be a part of something so grand, so magnificent as the whole university-team oriented idea and then the first time I was able to be a part of the university-spirit "game-day" experience, I think I went through so many emotions in a four hour period than most people have in a month's time. Even though we lost, by literally a touchdown that we almost made - don't get me started on the rant - it was still a very enlightening and enjoyable experience. I had more fun at that one game than I have had in a long time. It shocked me a little because I was with my co-workers and so I tried to reserve myself until I heard one of the girls say "fuck" during one play and "pussy" at the end of the next play. So, I eventually let my walls down and joined into the occasional (well more like frequent) "What the fuck are you doing????" screams from the stands.
After the game, I went down an exit that I shouldn't have - just needed to get out of the stadium because I was so pissed off at how horrible we played, I mean it was JUST U of A - and I wound up at the other side of the stadium which happened to place me almost three miles from my car. After adjusting to my surroundings, I finally figured out where I was and which direction I needed to head in, however due to the mountain that was placed directly in my "shortest distance between two points" thought, I had to take a detour. As I passed by most of the college-town bars, I heard a group of college guys screaming and hollering obscene and vulgar phrases towards a U of A cheerleader who was trying to do the same thing I was....get to her car. When I noticed that they were going to start to follow her, I quickened my pace, dug deep inside myself and created a magickal barrier between the two of us and the "horn brigade" . I followed her at a safe distance throughout the rest of the streets until I saw that she had reached her small economy sized car unharmed and was quickly driving out of the parking lot. I then noticed that I was not too far from my own and I continued on my path to my vehicle.
Some would ask "why did you follow her? Aren't you a sun devil?" Well, regardless that I am a Sun Devil - please make sure it is capitalized - as a strong, protective woman I feel it is my duty to make sure she was unharmed. I followed her at a safe distance because I did not want to alarm the poor girl at what I had witnessed. I take my duties as a Sun Devil to heart, but just because I am completely school spirited does not mean that I would ignore the possible harm towards a girl who simply goes to a different school than I.
Has our world become so egotistical that we are all only one-sided? I would have thought as humans we are four dimensional people and that we take on the responsibility to look out for and protect one another but I guess in a world filled with bias and hate, we cling to those who are like-minded and fuck the rest of society because they do not believe how we believe or behave how we behave. I've noticed this act of inhumanity to be mostly the Christians or other highly religious people for those are the ones asking me the questions. For a group of people who believe God put us on this earth for a purpose, the group as a whole is very...well...mean.
I have met more people who are kind, compassionate and over all enjoy helping society as a whole and they consider themselves to be Satanists! Having been brought up in the "church" I learned many things but the one thing that sticks out in my head is the complete legalism and smug attitudes that the church as a whole has. "Come as you are, we will accept you. But if in a couple months you don't change, then we want our NIV Bible back". Come on! Seriously? Who the fuck do you think you are and how dare you tell me that I need to change when you sit in your pew every Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night but yet on those other days you sit and gossip about what Kathy G did on Saturday night with another single man (or woman for that matter) and then on Monday morning you give your assistant those "goo goo" eyes and undress her with your mind even though your wife is sitting at home taking care of your kids and your house!
So what is the heartbreak of four seconds? Its that pivotal moment when everyone is watching you. Everyone is staring at you hoping that you will catch that ball and land in the endzone and make them proud. Its that point in your life where you can do what everyone else is begging you to do. Do what everyone else is telling you to do. Its that point where you have done everything you are supposed to and now...at this point...you are caught in a mix of confusion between who you want to be and who you are. Its the first time you pick up a Wiccan book and start at the cover as you cling to the cross that hangs lightly on your neck. Its the first time a girl leans in towards your cherry glossed lips and you know you should back away but you find yourself leaning closer towards her. In that moment your mind does two things. You either become scared and bolt in the other direction or you give into your emotions and allow yourself to be freed of the constraints that bound you so tightly.
In that moment when you decide to follow your own mind and you feel her lips against yours, you read about the power energy, or you proceed in any act of which you only thought about, your heart breaks if just only for a second. The heartbreak of the four second contemplation tears a person's inner being between following the critera for the box they have been closed into and being an individual free to do their own will without the repercussions of hatred. However, I am sorry to be the messenger on this - regardless of what you do, you will always be the subject of some type of hatred. You are not perfect and therefore because you will never be this ideal image of what someone has created you out to be, you will never live up to everyone else's expectations for you. Be happy in your decisions, even if they lead you away from things you have previously known. It is hard and it is daunting. You will cry and you will scream, but in the end you must be happy with yourself. Don't let fear paralyze you. Embrace the change and cradle the new. Eventually you will learn to create yourself.
After the game, I went down an exit that I shouldn't have - just needed to get out of the stadium because I was so pissed off at how horrible we played, I mean it was JUST U of A - and I wound up at the other side of the stadium which happened to place me almost three miles from my car. After adjusting to my surroundings, I finally figured out where I was and which direction I needed to head in, however due to the mountain that was placed directly in my "shortest distance between two points" thought, I had to take a detour. As I passed by most of the college-town bars, I heard a group of college guys screaming and hollering obscene and vulgar phrases towards a U of A cheerleader who was trying to do the same thing I was....get to her car. When I noticed that they were going to start to follow her, I quickened my pace, dug deep inside myself and created a magickal barrier between the two of us and the "horn brigade" . I followed her at a safe distance throughout the rest of the streets until I saw that she had reached her small economy sized car unharmed and was quickly driving out of the parking lot. I then noticed that I was not too far from my own and I continued on my path to my vehicle.
Some would ask "why did you follow her? Aren't you a sun devil?" Well, regardless that I am a Sun Devil - please make sure it is capitalized - as a strong, protective woman I feel it is my duty to make sure she was unharmed. I followed her at a safe distance because I did not want to alarm the poor girl at what I had witnessed. I take my duties as a Sun Devil to heart, but just because I am completely school spirited does not mean that I would ignore the possible harm towards a girl who simply goes to a different school than I.
Has our world become so egotistical that we are all only one-sided? I would have thought as humans we are four dimensional people and that we take on the responsibility to look out for and protect one another but I guess in a world filled with bias and hate, we cling to those who are like-minded and fuck the rest of society because they do not believe how we believe or behave how we behave. I've noticed this act of inhumanity to be mostly the Christians or other highly religious people for those are the ones asking me the questions. For a group of people who believe God put us on this earth for a purpose, the group as a whole is very...well...mean.
I have met more people who are kind, compassionate and over all enjoy helping society as a whole and they consider themselves to be Satanists! Having been brought up in the "church" I learned many things but the one thing that sticks out in my head is the complete legalism and smug attitudes that the church as a whole has. "Come as you are, we will accept you. But if in a couple months you don't change, then we want our NIV Bible back". Come on! Seriously? Who the fuck do you think you are and how dare you tell me that I need to change when you sit in your pew every Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night but yet on those other days you sit and gossip about what Kathy G did on Saturday night with another single man (or woman for that matter) and then on Monday morning you give your assistant those "goo goo" eyes and undress her with your mind even though your wife is sitting at home taking care of your kids and your house!
So what is the heartbreak of four seconds? Its that pivotal moment when everyone is watching you. Everyone is staring at you hoping that you will catch that ball and land in the endzone and make them proud. Its that point in your life where you can do what everyone else is begging you to do. Do what everyone else is telling you to do. Its that point where you have done everything you are supposed to and now...at this point...you are caught in a mix of confusion between who you want to be and who you are. Its the first time you pick up a Wiccan book and start at the cover as you cling to the cross that hangs lightly on your neck. Its the first time a girl leans in towards your cherry glossed lips and you know you should back away but you find yourself leaning closer towards her. In that moment your mind does two things. You either become scared and bolt in the other direction or you give into your emotions and allow yourself to be freed of the constraints that bound you so tightly.
In that moment when you decide to follow your own mind and you feel her lips against yours, you read about the power energy, or you proceed in any act of which you only thought about, your heart breaks if just only for a second. The heartbreak of the four second contemplation tears a person's inner being between following the critera for the box they have been closed into and being an individual free to do their own will without the repercussions of hatred. However, I am sorry to be the messenger on this - regardless of what you do, you will always be the subject of some type of hatred. You are not perfect and therefore because you will never be this ideal image of what someone has created you out to be, you will never live up to everyone else's expectations for you. Be happy in your decisions, even if they lead you away from things you have previously known. It is hard and it is daunting. You will cry and you will scream, but in the end you must be happy with yourself. Don't let fear paralyze you. Embrace the change and cradle the new. Eventually you will learn to create yourself.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
There always has to be a first post....
A first post is almost more nerve racking than a blind date. You're not sure if the readers will be interested, not sure if they will even like what you have to say and you're never sure exactly how to start. You want to tell a bit about yourself...you know...introduce yourself, but yet you don't want to divulge all the mystery behind the layers of the years that have covered you. Each day we are inspired by so many objects, people, places, words, conformity...non conformity and just the individual details that life throws at us on a daily basis. Lately I have been incredibly inspired by the beautiful and talented Amber Benson. I have always been a fan of her work and yes I can tell the difference between reality and fiction, unlike most people who box her into her character, Tara, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She does not know it, but I have followed her work for years and she has always inspired me to just...be me.
I know that I am only one voice. I am not famous, I am still working through college and I have barely any foothold in this vast world that I live in. However, I have much to say. There are many passions that ignite my being and this is a safe place where I am able to share those thoughts and opinions and possibly help those who cannot help themselves or who do not know how to help themselves. As we grow older we face so many different questions and different situations all piling down and condensing together to form one major idea that we must embrace..."Who am I?"
I have spent years which seem like lifetimes trying to answer this question. I always saw myself as some major contradiction, however, recently I have been told that I am not a contradiction. Instead, I am eclectic. I like that terminology....eclectic. I can be many things at one time even though in some people's narrow minds those things cannot coexist, however, I am living proof that they most certainly can and do exist in a single living soul. I can be many things wrapped up into one, even if they do raise an eyebrow or two.
My life is a mix of colors...a mix of roles that I play. I have repressed parts of myself up until now because I felt that I had to chose one belief or the other in order to be an actual person instead of a contradiction. However, I have learned most recently that not being 100% honest with myself is the same as lying to myself and after almost 26 years of only being a half-me, I'm tired of lying.
I am a mother. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a wife. I am a lover. I am a fighter. I am a writer. I am an analyst. I am a student. I am a teacher. I am pre-med. I am a Christian. I am a Wiccan. I am a lesbian. I am activist. I am an advocate. I am a helper. I am a haven. I am shelter. I am life. I am power. I am knowledge. I am wisdom. I am from my past. I am from my present. I am from my future. Most importantly, I am myself. For now, forever, and for always. No going back. No regrets. No lying. No deceiving. Just me. Plain. Simple. Magnificent. Extraordinary. I have something to give. I have something to say. I have a way to change the life that we know. I will change the life that we know. In my own time.
I know that I am only one voice. I am not famous, I am still working through college and I have barely any foothold in this vast world that I live in. However, I have much to say. There are many passions that ignite my being and this is a safe place where I am able to share those thoughts and opinions and possibly help those who cannot help themselves or who do not know how to help themselves. As we grow older we face so many different questions and different situations all piling down and condensing together to form one major idea that we must embrace..."Who am I?"
I have spent years which seem like lifetimes trying to answer this question. I always saw myself as some major contradiction, however, recently I have been told that I am not a contradiction. Instead, I am eclectic. I like that terminology....eclectic. I can be many things at one time even though in some people's narrow minds those things cannot coexist, however, I am living proof that they most certainly can and do exist in a single living soul. I can be many things wrapped up into one, even if they do raise an eyebrow or two.
My life is a mix of colors...a mix of roles that I play. I have repressed parts of myself up until now because I felt that I had to chose one belief or the other in order to be an actual person instead of a contradiction. However, I have learned most recently that not being 100% honest with myself is the same as lying to myself and after almost 26 years of only being a half-me, I'm tired of lying.
I am a mother. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a wife. I am a lover. I am a fighter. I am a writer. I am an analyst. I am a student. I am a teacher. I am pre-med. I am a Christian. I am a Wiccan. I am a lesbian. I am activist. I am an advocate. I am a helper. I am a haven. I am shelter. I am life. I am power. I am knowledge. I am wisdom. I am from my past. I am from my present. I am from my future. Most importantly, I am myself. For now, forever, and for always. No going back. No regrets. No lying. No deceiving. Just me. Plain. Simple. Magnificent. Extraordinary. I have something to give. I have something to say. I have a way to change the life that we know. I will change the life that we know. In my own time.
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