Yesterday was the game of all games. It was the first time I went to college football game...my college's football game. I have always wanted to be a part of something so grand, so magnificent as the whole university-team oriented idea and then the first time I was able to be a part of the university-spirit "game-day" experience, I think I went through so many emotions in a four hour period than most people have in a month's time. Even though we lost, by literally a touchdown that we almost made - don't get me started on the rant - it was still a very enlightening and enjoyable experience. I had more fun at that one game than I have had in a long time. It shocked me a little because I was with my co-workers and so I tried to reserve myself until I heard one of the girls say "fuck" during one play and "pussy" at the end of the next play. So, I eventually let my walls down and joined into the occasional (well more like frequent) "What the fuck are you doing????" screams from the stands.
After the game, I went down an exit that I shouldn't have - just needed to get out of the stadium because I was so pissed off at how horrible we played, I mean it was JUST U of A - and I wound up at the other side of the stadium which happened to place me almost three miles from my car. After adjusting to my surroundings, I finally figured out where I was and which direction I needed to head in, however due to the mountain that was placed directly in my "shortest distance between two points" thought, I had to take a detour. As I passed by most of the college-town bars, I heard a group of college guys screaming and hollering obscene and vulgar phrases towards a U of A cheerleader who was trying to do the same thing I was....get to her car. When I noticed that they were going to start to follow her, I quickened my pace, dug deep inside myself and created a magickal barrier between the two of us and the "horn brigade" . I followed her at a safe distance throughout the rest of the streets until I saw that she had reached her small economy sized car unharmed and was quickly driving out of the parking lot. I then noticed that I was not too far from my own and I continued on my path to my vehicle.
Some would ask "why did you follow her? Aren't you a sun devil?" Well, regardless that I am a Sun Devil - please make sure it is capitalized - as a strong, protective woman I feel it is my duty to make sure she was unharmed. I followed her at a safe distance because I did not want to alarm the poor girl at what I had witnessed. I take my duties as a Sun Devil to heart, but just because I am completely school spirited does not mean that I would ignore the possible harm towards a girl who simply goes to a different school than I.
Has our world become so egotistical that we are all only one-sided? I would have thought as humans we are four dimensional people and that we take on the responsibility to look out for and protect one another but I guess in a world filled with bias and hate, we cling to those who are like-minded and fuck the rest of society because they do not believe how we believe or behave how we behave. I've noticed this act of inhumanity to be mostly the Christians or other highly religious people for those are the ones asking me the questions. For a group of people who believe God put us on this earth for a purpose, the group as a whole is very...well...mean.
I have met more people who are kind, compassionate and over all enjoy helping society as a whole and they consider themselves to be Satanists! Having been brought up in the "church" I learned many things but the one thing that sticks out in my head is the complete legalism and smug attitudes that the church as a whole has. "Come as you are, we will accept you. But if in a couple months you don't change, then we want our NIV Bible back". Come on! Seriously? Who the fuck do you think you are and how dare you tell me that I need to change when you sit in your pew every Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night but yet on those other days you sit and gossip about what Kathy G did on Saturday night with another single man (or woman for that matter) and then on Monday morning you give your assistant those "goo goo" eyes and undress her with your mind even though your wife is sitting at home taking care of your kids and your house!
So what is the heartbreak of four seconds? Its that pivotal moment when everyone is watching you. Everyone is staring at you hoping that you will catch that ball and land in the endzone and make them proud. Its that point in your life where you can do what everyone else is begging you to do. Do what everyone else is telling you to do. Its that point where you have done everything you are supposed to and now...at this point...you are caught in a mix of confusion between who you want to be and who you are. Its the first time you pick up a Wiccan book and start at the cover as you cling to the cross that hangs lightly on your neck. Its the first time a girl leans in towards your cherry glossed lips and you know you should back away but you find yourself leaning closer towards her. In that moment your mind does two things. You either become scared and bolt in the other direction or you give into your emotions and allow yourself to be freed of the constraints that bound you so tightly.
In that moment when you decide to follow your own mind and you feel her lips against yours, you read about the power energy, or you proceed in any act of which you only thought about, your heart breaks if just only for a second. The heartbreak of the four second contemplation tears a person's inner being between following the critera for the box they have been closed into and being an individual free to do their own will without the repercussions of hatred. However, I am sorry to be the messenger on this - regardless of what you do, you will always be the subject of some type of hatred. You are not perfect and therefore because you will never be this ideal image of what someone has created you out to be, you will never live up to everyone else's expectations for you. Be happy in your decisions, even if they lead you away from things you have previously known. It is hard and it is daunting. You will cry and you will scream, but in the end you must be happy with yourself. Don't let fear paralyze you. Embrace the change and cradle the new. Eventually you will learn to create yourself.
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