I've looked over this past week and a half of events and my heart goes out to so many people and then honestly it laughs at others. My girlfriend's grandmother died, my aunt's boyfriend/fiance died, and so many other smaller things happened. I have never been good with death. I guess I look at it differently than most people and a lot of people think that I am cold hearted or arrogant, but I'm not. Like with my girlfriend's grandmother, I feel so bad for the family. I cannot even imagine what Kristen's mom is going through. However, the side that people really look at me and go "you're such a bad person" for is her grandmother had problems and didn't want to take care of herself. The same goes for my aunt's boyfriend. He had so many problems and so many opportunities to take care of himself and he didn't. How can i feel sympathy for a person who literally says to the universe "take me away, life isn't worth living,"?
It's sad that there are so many people in this world that just give up. They don't see the beauty in merely breathing. I know life gets hard and I know that there are times when we all want to give up. I was there, many times before. My father was very abusive and he did things to me that I refuse to tell anyone because I don't want to be that victim. I've dealt with it - 20 years later - but there was a point where i hadn't dealt with it. My teen years were so full of malice, hate, disgust and uncertainty. I remember a friend of mine sold Vicodin at school and she'd give them to me if I did her homework. I'm not proud of my past, but there's a reason it's called "past". I was always looking for ways to dull the pain, to hide the pain, and to be in control of the pain. I started cutting at a young age, but i never cut where people could see. I knew that if it was obvious I would get questioned and I didn't want to be question since it was a form of dealing with what was going on and not a cry for help. Eventually, I was able to suppress that need to control the pain and get on living my life.
However what I just realized as I am writing this is that I had a "medium" that helped me suppress that pain. The week I stopped cutting was the week my first girlfriend kissed me. It's odd how you come to realizations as you type. Things you didn't think about before are suddenly so clear. However, after we broke up, I went back to that place of needing to control the pain, needing to escape the pain and needing to feel something...anything. This time, as I came out of it, I came out of by myself. I didn't have something to hold onto. I realized that cutting, cocaine, alcohol and meaningless sex were worthless to my cause. They quickly became replaced with tears.
Here I am, a 25 year old college "kid" for lack of a better term and I have gathered that life can never throw you something so horrific that you give up on yourself. I look and I see people over 40 who give up daily. I can understand younger people feeling so down and so low that they don't know which way is up. That's all a part of life, growing and learning. I don't understand why people my generation looks up to is setting such a bad example. It's not just about the "not caring if you live or die" part, it's about my generation's parents not caring about themselves in general. They (not all but a lot of them) have set such bad examples for my generation in general. There are so many women who are stuck in a loveless relationship or marriage simply because they are afraid. My mother was one of these people.
For as long as I can remember my father was abusive in some way, shape or form. He would use verbal threats, physical intimidation, emotional pulls, mind-games..etc. I saw my mother - who everyone said was this spitfire of a woman who didn't take shit from anyone - be totally submissive to this domineering man. He had such power over her. He controlled her every move; He controlled my every move. That is until one I had had enough. One day he pushed me just far enough that I snapped. I'll never forget it. He got up in my face about something - a job i think - and I was done. I reached behind me and grabbed the knife that was on the kitchen counter and I pushed him in between the counter and the fridge and I held the knife to his throat and told him that he needed to get the fuck out of my house otherwise I would kill him. I have never felt as much rage in my life as I did that one afternoon. It kind of feels like that one afternoon was about survival instead of just being pissed off.
I can't change what happened to me as a child. I can't change the role models I had growing up. Since my father and my mom split apart, my mom has worked to become this strong, independent, self sufficient, magnificent woman that I look up to. I can't blame her for being oblivious during my childhood. So many women do the exact same thing. However, I refuse to be that woman. Whether my girlfriend and I make it together in this life or not, one thing still stands true...I have a daughter. I am going to be an example to her. No one knows whether love will last - it is a choice. However, being a parent is gift...one that should be held precious and parents should make the most of their lives so their children can see an example.
No one knows what their life is going to entail. No one knows what lies ahead on their journey. It's not a matter of the obstacles that we each face every day. What counts is that we go through them and we learn from them. We are all going to feel incompetent at times. We are all going to feel like we can't go on. However there is nothing worth your life. Your life is precious and many people are affected by just your breathing. Take care of yourself. Do what you are told to do. Love and Love Hard. Never look back. Press on.
"When you feel like the day won't break a sunless night...the sun will rise"
-All my love
No comments:
Post a Comment