Five days. Five days until I am on a plane to Pittsburgh, PA. Five days until I see my girlfriend and my daughter for the first time in 7 weeks. Five days until I face my fear of flying alone. Five days until my life may or may not change....
It's a lot to put on "five days". The constant ramblings of my mind take over conscious thoughts and it constantly puts me in a bewildered state. Will my daughter remember me? She's only 17 months old and she hasn't seen me in almost 2 months. Will I be able to adapt back to having a child in the house once we all come back to Arizona? I've been childless for 7 weeks and I have adapted to the quiet - to no other sounds except birds chirping, airplanes flying overhead and the frequent "click clack, click clack" of the keyboard beneath my ever-moving fingers.
Will she love me still? I have changed a lot in the past 2 months. I changed my lifestyle, I've dealt with past issues and I have unlocked parts of myself that were chained so tightly. I have allowed myself to fully be me - a person she has never seen. She tells me she will love me, but I cannot take her word for granted. How do you ever really know if you love someone (or can love someone) until you are around them and get to know them? We have to start at a semi-square one and I don't believe she understands that. There are many things she does not know about me. Will it be too much work for her to find out? Will she be put off by my dominance? I used to be passive towards her. When she would say "I don't want you drinking so much coffee," I would listen and I would always feel guilty if I had coffee. However, since she has been gone, coffee has been a part of my morning routine and it will continue to be once she is back here. She would yell at me if I ate cereal for dinner and so I would feel guilty and I would eat something that I didn't really want to just to appease her. However, if it is late, I am going to eat cereal for dinner. It's better than not eating at all. I am 25, almost 26 years old.
I would do the same to her though at times. But not anymore. She is 24 years old - she's a big girl. If she wants to pull the "you do this or I'm not doing it either", well, she can. I'm not letting her manipulate me anymore - even if it is with good intentions and I am, in return, going to make sure I do not manipulate her. I think as women, its easier to manipulate others....even if we do not realize that is what we are doing. Some of this is brought on by wanting the best for each other. However, sometimes we don't always know what is best for the other one. I'm not saying she has bad intentions, because she doesn't. However, I retook hold over my own life these past weeks and I am not giving it back. I am worried she won't like who I am anymore.
At times, I feel she and I are more best friends than girlfriends to begin with. We work well with each other, but there's so much "missing" between us that I feel should be there between two people in a relationship. I have mixed feelings about this. I think one good thing about her being gone for so long is I have finally realized a few things... The first is if I ever needed to be, I'd be okay being alone. Cause I'm not really alone. I still have people surrounding me, I have my writing, my books, my school work, my job, and everything else to keep me occupied. The second is that there would be other people who could love me. I used to hold so tightly to her because I thought no one but her would ever love me. That's not the case. No, I'm not Eliza Dushku, but I am beautiful and I am incredible. Two things I never thought I'd hear myself say about me.
I've always said "Life isn't about finding yourself, it is about creating yourself", and I still believe that is true. However, when you get to a point where you've gathered bits and parts of yourself and you've hidden that away for so long because you were hurt...its like...its like after so long of hiding, you can't breathe. You feel like you are suffocating and there is no one to blame but yourself. That's the point I hit a while back. I've used this alone time to weed out the "muck" and polish the aspects of myself that I enjoy and that are crucial to my being. Changing and forming yourself is mostly attitude. It's a decision. Sometimes you will have to go through the bad and the ugly. You may have to deal with things from your past. But how do you fight a ghost? That's what the past is isn't it? A ghost?
Fighting your inner demons and the "ghost of self past" is never an easy feat, yet it is important and critical to allowing yourself to live life. I've had to fight them. I am still fighting them. One ghost or one demon at a time. Never try to take it all at once, because you will not be able to handle it. Creating yourself and becoming who you want to be - who you see yourself as - is not simple and it does not happen over night. It is a long, tedious process, but it is well worth it in the end. I am still not who I want to be. I am still on that road of creating myself, and I think that as people, we are always creating ourselves. We are always growing and learning. If we stop growing - stop changing - then we die, be it physically, mentally or emotionally.
Guys, allow yourself to change. Don't be afraid it. It's okay to be anxious, nervous and even a little scared of the outcome of change, but don't let that fear stop you from changing. Embrace it. Be who YOU want YOU to be. Not what someone else wants you to be. Don't ever hide yourself. You will lose yourself and you will desperately wish you hadn't begun hiding in the first place. Don't ever give up.
Keep Strong-
All my love
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