Dreamin'....and a Lil Taste of Liquid Courage

Well, last weekend marked the end of milestone....well, sorta. At the beginning of this semester I had 3 years until I could attend medical school and now I have 2 1/2. Now, many of you may say "Samantha, 2 1/2 years? You have a while..that's a long time away." Which in most cases, those people saying that would be right. However, since I changed direction mid-major and decided to be CRAZY and go after my dream of being a medical doctor, it is not that long of stretch of time. I have to fit at least 8 science courses, 1 trig course, 1 calculus course, 1-2 medical terminology courses and the rest of the psychology courses I need to completely my dual degree in 5 semesters. On top of this, I also have to prepare for the MCAT which I will have to take during the 3rd or 4th semester.

(A side note, I received my grades in my classes this semester and added up, I have a 4.33 GPA!! YEA BUDDY!)

Academically, I think I am insane, yet it doesn't stop there. In addition to having to complete all the academic requirements, I also must keep my M-F 8-5 job and I must keep up tutoring the kids I do because, well, a) I love it and b) it looks good on a resume. Then comes clinicals. Over this coming summer I am going to be starting volunteering at the Children's hospital in order to get clinical time under my belt. I have many things to juggle both professionally and academically and anyone who says that I do not work hard...well, honestly they can kiss my ass because I'd like them to try to pull all of this off with....the last 1/3 of the pie.

People's lives can usually be put into three categories: educational, professional and personal. I have yet to talk about the personal. I am currently in a long-term relationship with the mother of my daughter. However, my situation is a little different than most. My daughter...was not planned nor was she a result of a bad judgement call. My daughter is the "beauty from ashes" result of a very horrific event that happened to my partner. Being the person I am, I could not walk away when she needed me the most. I have not walked away since and I do not plan to walk away. I have no idea how I am going to accomplish everything I need to in order to not only get into medical school but get through it while having a family that I must support, but I know that I can do the impossible.

I have so many plans for my life. So many thoughts and "I'd like to do this" ideas. I love to write. I love to share what I have gone through to young women and to kids. I feel that because of what I have gone through as a child, as a teen and as a young adult I can impart knowledge and wisdom into open minds. I never claimed to be "good" at writing, I just claim the love of it. It allows me a release like no other - not drugs, alcohol, sex...  Nothing quite consumes me like writing....well that's a lie. A good book....and I'm a critic, so I mean it has to be a goooooood book. Right now, my addiction is being sedated by an amazing series called The Calliope Reaper-Jones Novels by Amber Benson. I didn't even know she had her own series until last month. Once I found out, I "youtubed" her book readings and listened to opinions about the book then finally got my own copy of the first. I couldn't put it down. Now I am on the second - and I am still just as addicted.

Writing and reading give me a way of dealing with present day issues, just in different ways. Reading a book takes me into another world and I get so wrapped up into the character that my body (and my brain) can recoop from present day drama. Writing offers a way of getting everything that had flooded my already crammed brain out. It gives me an outlet...and a much needed one.

This morning I woke up to another random call from "Unknown". I have eliminated the possibility of it being a telemarketer or bill collector (yes, I am 25... I have bill collectors - actually someone thinks I am Elizabeth Jenkins  - so Ms Jenkins if you are reading this [which you probably are not], please tell Son-Huy-Yo that my phone number is not yours, because she obviously isn't listening it me), so that leaves two likely options around a multitude of possibilities - being a) my ex or b) a Spanish-speaking Arizonian who -for some strange reason - thinks I am his "Ese" or "Mamasita". Let me make things crystal ok? I am not prejudice, I dislike everyone equally - especially when they wake me at 8am on my Saturday to sleep in. ok?  So either way, I have not found out who "Unknown" is because if it happens to be the first possibility I may just lash out and hex her over the phone.

Ok, So back to the story.  After my 8am wake up call from "Unknown" I didn't feel like getting out of bed, so I watched How I Met Your Mother and screwed around on twitter for a lil. Then, at 9 I get another call. My phone was under my pillow and I practically ripped the bed apart looking for it. When I looked down at the ID, I saw it was Dr. Blizzard.  (My mom gave me Dr. B's number a couple days ago so that I could input the numbers into my phone so I would know it was him if he called). Now, don't freak out. Dr. Blizzard is the man who performed a research study on the Human Growth Hormone that my stepdad was in during the 60's. My mom, my stepdad and Dr. Blizzard met a couple months ago and asked my mom a lot of questions about me... because I'm pre-med and everything. Well, he also asked her if I would consider going to the University of Virginia - which is where he teaches.

So in a matter of 3 seconds, I tried to wake myself up enough to be coherent to the 90year old man that would be on the other end of the line. We talked for approximately 20 minutes about my grades (it confused him because I have higher than a 4.0 and so I had to explain that my university accepts + or -  into their calculations), about choosing a medical school, perhaps going D.O. instead of M.D., a study about psychological trauma and its effects on the HGH (as well as how he is going to send me a transcript of that study), and about when I come to UVA in the summer to look around, I need to call him so we can meet. I think in 20 minutes I charmed the man over. He told me how incredible he thinks I am. I told him about the situation I am in - being a full time employee, a tutor, a mom, a dual time student (12 credits at one school, 12 credits at a second school), a lgbtq mentor and a partner. He told me that I sound like someone who could handle the stress and quick pace of the job. He kept telling me how he was moved by my passion and my drive. This conversation seriously, put me on top of the world this morning. 

In relation to this, as long as finances are a-ok, I made a deal with myself. If I received an "A" or higher in one of the classes I didn't think I was doing so hot in, I would get myself a present. So my sister and I are going to go to her tattoo shop on the 30th. I am getting the first out of the 3 symbols of my survival tattooed on. For this to make any sense, there's a few things you must know about me...

The first, is I was abused as a kid. The second is that I came out as being gay in a conservative and Christian community. The third - when my ex wife and I split, I went down a very dark and dangerous path. I was cutter for most of my life, I did drugs from the time i was 16, I drank myself stupid and when my ex and i broke up, I found that I was sleeping with any and every girl I could. I moved to Arizona to get away from all of that. And since, I've rebuilt myself from the ground up. Now, I want to go into medical school and really make a change. I want to find the cause of autism and develop a treatment plan based on that cause. I then want to set up my own orgaization - which I'll define and breakdown for ya'll in another post sometime.

Anyway- I am 25 years old and just embarking on the pre-med degree. I have a family, a job...a life. So, I want to get a set of 3 tattoos. The Japanese symbol for love on my left wrist, the symbol for faith on the back of my neck and the symbol for dream on my right wrist. In order to accomplish what I have set out for myself to accomplish, I must continue to have these three in my life at all times. Without love you cannot have faith. Without faith you cannot dream. Without dreams, you cannot love.

SO, my sister and I are going to go get the first of three done. Since I want to go to medical school, I cannot have any visible tattoos. So I am going to go get the symbol for faith done on the back of my neck. It's going to be small and discrete but it will serve as a reminder that I must...MUST have faith. When my sister and i were talking about this, I asked her one simple question.... "Do you have any vodka?"  she replied with the typical "No, but I can get some." Now I know, you're not supposed to drink before getting a tattoo...however, the thought of a lot of tiny needles going into my skin at a very fast pace terrifies the hell out of me. Therefore, I will need a shot (or two) of liquid courage.  wish me luck. lol

So guys, take a lesson from me...keep your faith. keep dreaming. keep loving. When you have a dream - don't even give up on it. The dream will not come true if you sit on your couch and watch TV all damn day. You HAVE to put in the effort. You have to work for it. However, while you are working for it, don't let obstacles stop you. Each obstacle you encounter serves as a reminder that you are one step closer to the finish line. Dreams come true guys. Never give up on them. You have to keep going. Keep dreaming. Even if it seems impossible. NOTHING is impossible. And when you are at the edge of dreaming and giving up... take a drink of liquid courage. =)