Bleeding Dreams

Life seems so confusing at times. I have all this information jumbled in my head and I don't know what to do with it or how to sort it out. How can you help someone that doesn't want the help? How can you teach someone who doesn't want to be taught? You can't. Yet, I feel like that is what I live my life doing - helping and teaching those who reject it. All the while I have so much of my own happening - work, school, preparations, etc. No one holds my hand. I don't want anyone to hold my hand.

Why is it in society that there are so many people who just want things done for them? They think life and the steps of life should be as easy as going to sleep at night and having knowledge or "luck" imparted into them during their sleep. They want results but they are not willing to put in the work and effort needed to acquire those desired results. Then, when they realize that they actually have to put some effort into whatever they are trying to accomplish, they get pissed or discouraged the moment that the "little effort" is not enough. Yet here I sit - I work my ass off at my job, at my studies, at my life.... I don't think I'm intelligent enough to get into medical school - I mean I look at my biology book and my brain goes "ahhh ahhh ahhh....shut down" - but I am working and striving and pressing on because I know its what I want. I don't take no for an answer.

Take weight for an example. So many people say "I'm tired of being fat" yet all they do is sit, eat chips, drink soda and watch tv. Sure, they may be out to do errands, they may be tired...but aside from day-to-day activities, they do not really do anything. I can't stand people like that. If you are truly tired of the way you look then get off your ass and do something about it. Take a walk. Start working out. Put down the soda. Change something. Change yourself. Or stop bitching about it. I am overweight -a lot of it due to medication - but I still am. So in November I decided I was done with it. I changed everything I ate, changed everything I drank and started working out. Now that school has stated, I am getting up an hour or so earlier than what I was used to  just so I could continue working out. Its hard. I don't want to get up before 615, but I force myself to. And I was rewarded for changing my life. I dropped 3 pants sizes in 7 weeks because of the small changes I made. I know that the next 3 are not going to be as easy, but it doesn't matter my size, it matters that I am healthy.

People, life is what you make of it. You can have dreams and if you sit around and do nothing about them that's all they are going to remain...fantasies. However, if you want your dreams to be reality- they can be that too but you have to work for it. You have to put every ounce of blood, sweat and tears into your dreams to make it a reality. You will get knocked down. You will get discouraged. You will get rejected. Don't allow yourself to quit. Even if you start believing its a hopeless cause- don't quit. Don't give up. Don't even stop the momentum. In fact, speed up the momentum. Work harder. Work faster. Dream bigger. That's how people get "weeded " out. Dreams come true for the ones that deserve it. For the ones that strive for it. It's your dream.  It's your life. Nothing worth having is ever easy. You must put everything you have into what you want. It will hurt! It will be painful. You will bleed. You will cry. You will tire. But that's what makes it worth it.

Press on my loves.

McDonalds or a Deli Turkey on Wheat....Decisions, Decisions

This blog is going to be written in parts, because I can't write all of what I am thinking and feeling right now. However I wanted to start.

I am currently waiting in my moms 2007 Ford Taurus while my gf is getting coffee and cigarettes for my sister. I'm people watching, as usual. What I never truly noticed is how different people are here compared to in Arizona- and by here, I mean my hometown of Weirton, WV. Almost everyone here is obese and more so they don't care.

SIDEBAR: and now i am at home, on my couch - and i do mean home as in Arizona. HAHA. Told you it would be written in parts!

When I truly looked around Weirton, almost everyone was significantly overweight and going through the McDonalds Drive-Thru or they looked like they hadn't showed in a week. Now, I don't remember Weirton looking like that when I lived there, but maybe it did. I have had a huge problem with my weight since I was a little girl, but now, I have finally put my foot down and I started working out, eating correctly and taking care of my body. I seriously wonder why such a small town has such a huge problem. The area is safe(er) for children to go out and play, but they don't. There are many stay-at-home moms that could cook dinner, but yet they opt for Big Macs and McNuggets.

My girlfriend and I had enough time to eat at the airport. I went for a sub-place so that I could control what went on my sandwich and so I knew it wasn't fried (everything was grilled right in front of you) and she opted for McDonalds. She got herself a Big Mac and our daughter a McNuggets Happy Meal. Our daughter is 17 months old. I was not so happy, but I kept my mouth shut. So then, after our flight landed, we were both pretty hungry. She suggested McDonalds - well I can't eat there. She was so hungry that she went through the drive through (we did have a bit of a drive from the airport to home) and got herself a Mac Snack Wrap. Ok - whatever. So we were going to go to Texas Roadhouse...she could get whatever she wanted and I could get a grilled chicken salad with some type of non-fat or light dressing. Well, Texas was so packed we decided to scratch that idea. I had her take me to Subway - again, I can control what goes on my sandwich - and she went through McDonalds. I offered to cooked Ryleigh something at the house, but instead, she got the girl another Happy Meal. This time, my gf got two Mac Wraps and a Medium Fry. So a total of Three Mac Wraps and fries.  O and I didn't mention, when she opened up the first Mac Wrap and ate it on the way to our town - I got sick. I almost threw up just from the smell of the McDonald's exposed food. It smelled AWFUL.  She looked at me - I had my hand covering my nose and mouth to keep from breathing in the odor and said "smell bad".  Yeaaa...uh huh. It was repugnant.

My girlfriend talks about how she wants to lose weight. Yes, part of it is her thyroid. Part of my weight is my thyroid.  However, the consistent McDonalds, the amount of McDonalds, the pepsi, the tea, the grease, the carbs and then the non-movement. That's the problem. After we got home and ate, I got up and started doing things around the house. She was content sitting and watching TV. Yes, we did have a longggg flight with a screaming baby. She relaxes by sitting and vegging out to TV. I had to move. She got upset because I was fidgeting. I can't help it. I needed to move. I hate to sit - unless I'm writing, but even then, I'm doing something. I'm not just sitting and staring at the boob tube. I'm writing. I'm putting thoughts down.

This is going to be a huge adjustment. I've had seven weeks to live as I want, do as I want, eat what I want, get up when I want, sit when I want, sleep when I want... This is just going to be one huge adjustment.

I don't understand the obsession with Fast Food and television. My gf isn't the first nor is she is the only to succumb to this lifestyle. So many people are envious of other people's looks, but yet, they don't have the will to change themselves or their lifestyle. I am eating things right now that I do not like to eat. I would much rather have pasta and some heavy cream sauce. But I know that in order to keep losing the weight I have, I need to eat spinach, cucumbers, peppers, carrots, broccoli, wheat pasta, wheat bread...etc. I cannot eat out, I need to eat at home. I feel better. I ate way too much that wasn't my usual when I was at my moms - which is probably why I didn't eat a whole lot to begin with. I knew it was bad for me. I knew it wasn't good. When we did eat good meals, I ate until I was satisfied. I didn't push it.  I know my limits.

Now that I am home (and not alone) it had been very interesting as far as food is concerned. I eat when I am hungry and I try to make sure my food mess is completely cleaned up - not that I do the dishes as I use them, but I throw uneaten food away and take my stuff into the kitchen. It's been very interesting to see pepsi cans across the house, uneaten velvetta shells on plates and various other food items left, indisposed of around the living room and kitchen area. Frankly, it is driving me nuts. For one, I can smell the food - which turns my stomach because it smells soooo bad (its processed and/or unhealthy and therefore it is just repugnant to me).

So my question is....why is food always such a huge deal? Why do people have an obsession with it? It seems like everyone has their "nitch"...their one particular obsession. My girlfriend's obsession is Pepsi, McDonalds and chips. My mom's and my obsession is ice cream. Thankfully, we have both been able to break the addiction and we have learned to curb that craving. I eat bananas like crazy (for many reasons) however, one of the side effects of that is that the bananas help curb sweet cravings.  I don't understand the obsession. The addiction. What would it take for people to break the addiction?

So many people are unhappy with the way they look. However, they don't want to change their lifestyles. My friends, regardless of what it is you do not like about yourself (and we all have that "something"), you - and you alone - have the power to change it. It will be hard, but nothing in life worth having is ever easy.  If you do not like something about yourself - then change it. It's that simple. Do whatever it takes. People will expect you to go by old habits, but stick to your guns. Eventually, things will pay off. And if there is ever a time you need a little encouragement - all you gotta do is call one someone who understands.

I am on this journey of changing myself into who I want to be. I had a lot of pressure to eat bad things when I went home - heck, I feel a lot of pressure now. However, I am not letting it deter me from my goal. I do not like the weight I've put on over the years -so i am changing it.  =)  Me...and me alone.