Bleeding Dreams

Life seems so confusing at times. I have all this information jumbled in my head and I don't know what to do with it or how to sort it out. How can you help someone that doesn't want the help? How can you teach someone who doesn't want to be taught? You can't. Yet, I feel like that is what I live my life doing - helping and teaching those who reject it. All the while I have so much of my own happening - work, school, preparations, etc. No one holds my hand. I don't want anyone to hold my hand.

Why is it in society that there are so many people who just want things done for them? They think life and the steps of life should be as easy as going to sleep at night and having knowledge or "luck" imparted into them during their sleep. They want results but they are not willing to put in the work and effort needed to acquire those desired results. Then, when they realize that they actually have to put some effort into whatever they are trying to accomplish, they get pissed or discouraged the moment that the "little effort" is not enough. Yet here I sit - I work my ass off at my job, at my studies, at my life.... I don't think I'm intelligent enough to get into medical school - I mean I look at my biology book and my brain goes "ahhh ahhh ahhh....shut down" - but I am working and striving and pressing on because I know its what I want. I don't take no for an answer.

Take weight for an example. So many people say "I'm tired of being fat" yet all they do is sit, eat chips, drink soda and watch tv. Sure, they may be out to do errands, they may be tired...but aside from day-to-day activities, they do not really do anything. I can't stand people like that. If you are truly tired of the way you look then get off your ass and do something about it. Take a walk. Start working out. Put down the soda. Change something. Change yourself. Or stop bitching about it. I am overweight -a lot of it due to medication - but I still am. So in November I decided I was done with it. I changed everything I ate, changed everything I drank and started working out. Now that school has stated, I am getting up an hour or so earlier than what I was used to  just so I could continue working out. Its hard. I don't want to get up before 615, but I force myself to. And I was rewarded for changing my life. I dropped 3 pants sizes in 7 weeks because of the small changes I made. I know that the next 3 are not going to be as easy, but it doesn't matter my size, it matters that I am healthy.

People, life is what you make of it. You can have dreams and if you sit around and do nothing about them that's all they are going to remain...fantasies. However, if you want your dreams to be reality- they can be that too but you have to work for it. You have to put every ounce of blood, sweat and tears into your dreams to make it a reality. You will get knocked down. You will get discouraged. You will get rejected. Don't allow yourself to quit. Even if you start believing its a hopeless cause- don't quit. Don't give up. Don't even stop the momentum. In fact, speed up the momentum. Work harder. Work faster. Dream bigger. That's how people get "weeded " out. Dreams come true for the ones that deserve it. For the ones that strive for it. It's your dream.  It's your life. Nothing worth having is ever easy. You must put everything you have into what you want. It will hurt! It will be painful. You will bleed. You will cry. You will tire. But that's what makes it worth it.

Press on my loves.

McDonalds or a Deli Turkey on Wheat....Decisions, Decisions

This blog is going to be written in parts, because I can't write all of what I am thinking and feeling right now. However I wanted to start.

I am currently waiting in my moms 2007 Ford Taurus while my gf is getting coffee and cigarettes for my sister. I'm people watching, as usual. What I never truly noticed is how different people are here compared to in Arizona- and by here, I mean my hometown of Weirton, WV. Almost everyone here is obese and more so they don't care.

SIDEBAR: and now i am at home, on my couch - and i do mean home as in Arizona. HAHA. Told you it would be written in parts!

When I truly looked around Weirton, almost everyone was significantly overweight and going through the McDonalds Drive-Thru or they looked like they hadn't showed in a week. Now, I don't remember Weirton looking like that when I lived there, but maybe it did. I have had a huge problem with my weight since I was a little girl, but now, I have finally put my foot down and I started working out, eating correctly and taking care of my body. I seriously wonder why such a small town has such a huge problem. The area is safe(er) for children to go out and play, but they don't. There are many stay-at-home moms that could cook dinner, but yet they opt for Big Macs and McNuggets.

My girlfriend and I had enough time to eat at the airport. I went for a sub-place so that I could control what went on my sandwich and so I knew it wasn't fried (everything was grilled right in front of you) and she opted for McDonalds. She got herself a Big Mac and our daughter a McNuggets Happy Meal. Our daughter is 17 months old. I was not so happy, but I kept my mouth shut. So then, after our flight landed, we were both pretty hungry. She suggested McDonalds - well I can't eat there. She was so hungry that she went through the drive through (we did have a bit of a drive from the airport to home) and got herself a Mac Snack Wrap. Ok - whatever. So we were going to go to Texas Roadhouse...she could get whatever she wanted and I could get a grilled chicken salad with some type of non-fat or light dressing. Well, Texas was so packed we decided to scratch that idea. I had her take me to Subway - again, I can control what goes on my sandwich - and she went through McDonalds. I offered to cooked Ryleigh something at the house, but instead, she got the girl another Happy Meal. This time, my gf got two Mac Wraps and a Medium Fry. So a total of Three Mac Wraps and fries.  O and I didn't mention, when she opened up the first Mac Wrap and ate it on the way to our town - I got sick. I almost threw up just from the smell of the McDonald's exposed food. It smelled AWFUL.  She looked at me - I had my hand covering my nose and mouth to keep from breathing in the odor and said "smell bad".  Yeaaa...uh huh. It was repugnant.

My girlfriend talks about how she wants to lose weight. Yes, part of it is her thyroid. Part of my weight is my thyroid.  However, the consistent McDonalds, the amount of McDonalds, the pepsi, the tea, the grease, the carbs and then the non-movement. That's the problem. After we got home and ate, I got up and started doing things around the house. She was content sitting and watching TV. Yes, we did have a longggg flight with a screaming baby. She relaxes by sitting and vegging out to TV. I had to move. She got upset because I was fidgeting. I can't help it. I needed to move. I hate to sit - unless I'm writing, but even then, I'm doing something. I'm not just sitting and staring at the boob tube. I'm writing. I'm putting thoughts down.

This is going to be a huge adjustment. I've had seven weeks to live as I want, do as I want, eat what I want, get up when I want, sit when I want, sleep when I want... This is just going to be one huge adjustment.

I don't understand the obsession with Fast Food and television. My gf isn't the first nor is she is the only to succumb to this lifestyle. So many people are envious of other people's looks, but yet, they don't have the will to change themselves or their lifestyle. I am eating things right now that I do not like to eat. I would much rather have pasta and some heavy cream sauce. But I know that in order to keep losing the weight I have, I need to eat spinach, cucumbers, peppers, carrots, broccoli, wheat pasta, wheat bread...etc. I cannot eat out, I need to eat at home. I feel better. I ate way too much that wasn't my usual when I was at my moms - which is probably why I didn't eat a whole lot to begin with. I knew it was bad for me. I knew it wasn't good. When we did eat good meals, I ate until I was satisfied. I didn't push it.  I know my limits.

Now that I am home (and not alone) it had been very interesting as far as food is concerned. I eat when I am hungry and I try to make sure my food mess is completely cleaned up - not that I do the dishes as I use them, but I throw uneaten food away and take my stuff into the kitchen. It's been very interesting to see pepsi cans across the house, uneaten velvetta shells on plates and various other food items left, indisposed of around the living room and kitchen area. Frankly, it is driving me nuts. For one, I can smell the food - which turns my stomach because it smells soooo bad (its processed and/or unhealthy and therefore it is just repugnant to me).

So my question is....why is food always such a huge deal? Why do people have an obsession with it? It seems like everyone has their "nitch"...their one particular obsession. My girlfriend's obsession is Pepsi, McDonalds and chips. My mom's and my obsession is ice cream. Thankfully, we have both been able to break the addiction and we have learned to curb that craving. I eat bananas like crazy (for many reasons) however, one of the side effects of that is that the bananas help curb sweet cravings.  I don't understand the obsession. The addiction. What would it take for people to break the addiction?

So many people are unhappy with the way they look. However, they don't want to change their lifestyles. My friends, regardless of what it is you do not like about yourself (and we all have that "something"), you - and you alone - have the power to change it. It will be hard, but nothing in life worth having is ever easy.  If you do not like something about yourself - then change it. It's that simple. Do whatever it takes. People will expect you to go by old habits, but stick to your guns. Eventually, things will pay off. And if there is ever a time you need a little encouragement - all you gotta do is call one someone who understands.

I am on this journey of changing myself into who I want to be. I had a lot of pressure to eat bad things when I went home - heck, I feel a lot of pressure now. However, I am not letting it deter me from my goal. I do not like the weight I've put on over the years -so i am changing it.  =)  Me...and me alone.

Talks of Poop and FlargoonieButte

So life has been intersting over the past few days. I flew across country to see my partner and my daughter for Christmas, however, I was unable to see them due to various situations - some I am skeptical on, but o well. I honestly feel that my partner does not want to see me, but at the moment, it's whatever. I will get over it.

So yesterday, the greatest (hear the sarcasm) day of the year, I chose to be a nomad of my own. I hid out at my sister's house for a while before running up to Marland Heights to see a very good friend - that is like a sister to me. I've known her for over about 13 years. It was so fun to be in that house again. For some reason we ended up talking about poop. Yes, I said poop. LOL. Needless to say, Jen cleared the room with her poop talk, but nonetheless it was the first smile - and hysterical laugh- I had engaged in for a while. I forgot how uplifting and overall hysterical that house was. Well, after Jen had to start driving back to Ohio, I decided to grab a fabulous Christmas dinner at Sheetz  Made to Order and head over to my sister's work.

My sister works as a front desk associate at one of the three hotels in this little town. Due to the holiday no one was around. So, I went to spend time with her - coffee and Christmas dinner in hand - and plopped my booty on the hotel's front room couch in front of the TV. We watched Alvin and the Chipmunks and then an interview with James Durbin. He was so inspiring, intriguing and overall invigorating.

So after all of that, we realized she still had quite a few hours before she was able to get off work. Sooooo, we opted for Canasta. Canasta is the game my sister and I can play for hours. And I mean hours. I think we stayed up for 72 hours straight playing game after game after game before finally realizing - hey, its been dark and light 3 times, maybe we should sleep. That was how we spent our summers. Well, because neither of us keep two decks of cards in our back pocket anymore, that attempt failed. However, she found SCRABBLE.

Now, anyone who knows me, knows one particular thing.... I am a smart -ass. Literally. I am this person that loves words and I kick ass at Scrabble. My mom and I used to play when I was a kid in order to build my vocabulary. Well, it worked. So, my sister and I played one REAL game, one semi-real game and one "our" game. Let me define these for you. A real game of Scrabble is following the rules, keeping score and using real words - as noticed in Webster's Dictionary. A semi-real game started off as a game without keeping score, but odd, non-word words are thrown into the mix. For example. My sister plays the word "Teake". I ask her "Ronnie, what is that word?"  My lovely sister replies, "Its Teake... like "tea-key". You know, like what they have in Hawaii..." I look at her in utter shock and before I can stop myself I burst out "It is spelled T-I-K-I!!!!". The look on her face was then absolutely priceless. She then replied, "well today, it is spelled T-E-A-K-E!" LMAO.

So now the our game. Our game is played by putting all the tiles face up on the coffee table and trying to make the funniest, oddest, most flamboyant words EVER without actually using real words. For instance, we had slycooteroo, flargooneibutte, and swoodiepeckerie There are a few others but I do not remember them off hand.

SIDE BAR: flargooneibutte and swoodiepeckerie have the little red underline beneath the words, however slycooteroo does not! What the hell? LOL

So back on track. Needless to say, we about died. We then took out wooden tile-holder-thingymabobs and started waving them around like we were Harry Potter and took alternate turns in saying one of the words that was on the Scrabble board. All of a sudden, we both point at each each (with the wooden tile holder thingymabob) and say "Slycooteroo" together - same pitch, same tone, same timing. I don't think either of us breathed for two minutes.  My stomach hurt so bad from laughing from last night, I woke up this morning STILL sore from the laughter.

So then, around 11pm, my sister's "relief" comes into the hotel. We then talk about all these woods and my sister says "flargooniebutte is a disease of the ass!" All three of us begin to gasp for breath between fits of laughter. So then, Alison (i honestly do not know how she spells her name...Alyson, Allison, Alison...you get the point) says "How would you use it in a sentence?" And somehow, out of no where, I come up with "MANNNNN that guy has some rank flargooniebutte!!!" Due to the laughter that ensues, I drop to my knees willingly so I did not risk falling. My sister says something smart-assed about my position (being on my knees) because I'm gay...and I honestly don't know why she came up with that. But of course, I had a smart ass remark of "I can lick pussy just fine from here". However, I don't think she heard me fully...because if she had, she would have probably fallen over with laughter...or embarrassment.

So that was my Christmas. It started off sucky and ended in my almost-death due to laughter. I love my sister. I am going to get a "space-saver" bag, stuff her in it and suck out all the air just so i can fit her in my suitcase and take her home with me. Wow, I didn't realize it, but it sounds like i wanna put her in a body bag....well, she can play dead. It'd be cheaper airfare!

The Fall and Wake of It All... Liiterally....

So again it is past midnight and I am not able to fall asleep as swiftly as I would like. I haven't had much trouble falling asleep these past two months, but these past two days have been horrid. Yesterday, I finally wore myself out around 230am after rummaging through pre-stored clothing. I had gained a bunch of weight a few years ago, but kept all my old clothes...and thank GOD because I have dropped three pants sizes in 7 weeks - so I needed the smaller clothing. But, like I said, last night I rummaged through all my old clothes trying to figure out what did fit, what was too big and what was still too small (or too snug for my comfort).

Today, I came home from work and began giving the house a once-over (that i will finish on Friday morning) and I got 94% of my stuff packed for my cross-country flight Friday afternoon. All I have left is the basic stuff like face-wash, Stridex Pads, hair straightener, make up, belt... etc. Ya know...the stuff I'm going to use between now and then.

(Sidebar: As I'm typing this, my cat decided he is going to try to get into the big bag of fresh litter I bought two nights ago.... I am finding myself yelling "knock it off" and "get out of it" more and more these days. I feel bad for my friend who is taking him over the time I am gone! haha).

So the big question is:  "Why can't I seem to relax?"

Well, there are probably numerous answers to this vague question. Work is getting extremely busy and on top of the normal work load, I am being put on special assignment after special assignment. I don't mind them, I just wish I could get my own work completed as well. I am currently creating a MS Word Document that contains all the information for all the medical colleges I am applying to. Its a lot of information to comprehend.

Then there is always the more personal matters.... I'm going home. Or, at least that is what most would call it. I prefer to say "I'm going to Mom's" because home is 6 hours to the west of me, just off of Route 8. Even Arizona isn't really home anymore. I've had so many bad memories here...so many tears. I feel that this was a transition place for me. However, I feel that the transition is slowly coming to an end. However, will I get accepted into the medical school that will allow me to actually go home? 

You may be wondering "where is home, exactly?" Home is, like I said, 6 hours to the west of my current location. It is surrounded by beaches, beautiful sunsets, sweet air, and a lightness in the energy. Home is San Diego, CA.  I do not know anyone there. I've only been there three times, yet each time I've graced San Diego's limits, my heart settles down in the nearest nook of the city. I am especially in love with Poway/Rancho Bernardo/Carmel Mountain area - yet I also adore Mission Beach. It’s pretty crowded, but out of the beaches I've been to, it’s my favorite. I didn't care too much for Oceanside. The pier was nice, the surf was amazing and the coffee...addicting. However, I wasn't too impressed with the beach itself. Oceanside did give me the chance to experience a whole different type of coffee though - which, I do admit, I am addicted to. There's this lil coffee house called Maui Wowi on the boardwalk. I went it and ordered a Mocha Almond Frappuchino. Well, I didn't know this, but it is Hawaiian coffee with a banana base. O.M.G. I was addicted. I drank mine and my girlfriend's. LOL. Well I found a Maui Wowi here in Phoenix, so a friend of mine went up and grabbed a drink - nope. it was not the same. It actually kinda sucked. So, I know when I go back to San Diego, I am taking the 20 minutes out of my way and going to Oceanside...just so I can get my authentic Mocha Almond Frappuchino - even if it is freezing outside.

San Diego just seems like home to me. It's where I feel I belong. But anyways, on Friday I begin the journey to go back to the area that I grew up in/around. My first stop is Pittsburgh, PA - which is the closet major city to my small hometown. Then, I make the 30 minute journey out of the city to the conservative, relatively tiny West Virginia town of Weirton. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad i get to see my mom, my stepdad, my sister....hell my girlfriend and my daughter - both whom I haven't laid eyes on in 7 weeks... but, I just don't like being up there. Every time I go back, I am reminded of the pain and the chains that I was once in. I look at my friends and see that they are ALL doing the same thing- married young, having babies, living in a purchased house. They all have that "small town, girl next door" lifestyle. I don't have that. I never wanted that. Yet, I always get scrutinized for my choices. At any given day being back home, I get at least 2-3 friends asking me (more like begging me) to move back home. WHY???

 
Ok, So funny thing… I fell asleep – while typing the text above.. HAHA. So much for a sleep aid. “No Dr. I don’t need Lunesta, I blog to make me conk out!”
Today is one day closer to going to Pittburgh, PA. Again…not home. Not really. I am just not that small town girl that I grew up to be. I believed I could be anything – and I became anything. I became what I wanted to become.  O well, I think I’m done on that rant.
I have seriously thought about trading my ticket for one going to San Diego. I know that would be horrid… but can’t you imagine? It’s Christmas and you are sitting by a fire pit on the beach bundled in your favorite hoodie as you watch the tide reach out to you and then recede?  I could so picture that…..
Don’t get me wrong guys…family…is very important. However, it is more important to some than it is to others. If family is your “thing” – then good for you! It’s just not my favorite thing in the world. I used to do so much because of my family. I used to change because of them or…worse…for them. You have to remember, while it is important to appreciate your family, it is also important to be true to yourself.  Point blank – the members of your family will die. I don’t mean to be harsh or unattached from that scenario, but it’s the truth. They will die…before you or after you. However, you are only stuck with one person for the rest of your life. You are stuck with you. 
Ponder on that for a while….

You Can't Fight a Ghost....

Five days. Five days until I am on a plane to Pittsburgh, PA. Five days until I see my girlfriend and my daughter for the first time in 7 weeks. Five days until I face my fear of flying alone. Five days until my life may or may not change....

It's a lot to put on "five days". The constant ramblings of my mind take over conscious thoughts and it constantly puts me in a bewildered state. Will my daughter remember me? She's only 17 months old and she hasn't seen me in almost 2 months. Will I be able to adapt back to having a child in the house once we all come back to Arizona?  I've been childless for 7 weeks and I have adapted to the quiet - to no other sounds except birds chirping, airplanes flying overhead and the frequent "click clack, click clack" of the keyboard beneath my ever-moving fingers.

Will she love me still? I have changed a lot in the past 2 months. I changed my lifestyle, I've dealt with past issues and I have unlocked parts of myself that were chained so tightly. I have allowed myself to fully be me - a person she has never seen. She tells me she will love me, but I cannot take her word for granted. How do you ever really know if you love someone (or can love someone) until you are around them and get to know them? We have to start at a semi-square one and I don't believe she understands that. There are many things she does not know about me. Will it be too much work for her to find out? Will she be put off by my dominance? I used to be passive towards her. When she would say "I don't want you drinking so much coffee," I would listen and I would always feel guilty if I had coffee. However, since she has been gone, coffee has been a part of my morning routine and it will continue to be once she is back here. She would yell at me if I ate cereal for dinner and so I would feel guilty and I would eat something that I didn't really want to just to appease her. However, if it is late, I am going to eat cereal for dinner. It's better than not eating at all. I am 25, almost 26 years old.

I would do the same to her though at times. But not anymore. She is 24 years old - she's a big girl. If she wants to pull the "you do this or I'm not doing it either", well, she can. I'm not letting her manipulate me anymore - even if it is with good intentions and I am, in return, going to make sure I do not manipulate her. I think as women, its easier to manipulate others....even if we do not realize that is what we are doing. Some of this is brought on by wanting the best for each other. However, sometimes we don't always know what is best for the other one. I'm not saying she has bad intentions, because she doesn't. However, I retook hold over my own life these past weeks and I am not giving it back. I am worried she won't like who I am anymore.

At times, I feel she and I are more best friends than girlfriends to begin with. We work well with each other, but there's so much "missing" between us that I feel should be there between two people in a relationship.  I have mixed feelings about this. I think one good thing about her being gone for so long is I have finally realized a few things... The first is if I ever needed to be, I'd be okay being alone. Cause I'm not really alone. I still have people surrounding me, I have my writing, my books, my school work, my job, and everything else to keep me occupied. The second is that there would be other people who could love me. I used to hold so tightly to her because I thought no one but her would ever love me. That's not the case. No, I'm not Eliza Dushku, but I am beautiful and I  am  incredible. Two things I never thought I'd hear myself say about me.

I've always said "Life isn't about finding yourself, it is about creating yourself", and I still believe that is true. However, when you get to a point where you've gathered bits and parts of yourself and you've hidden that away for so long because you were hurt...its like...its like after so long of hiding, you can't breathe. You feel like you are suffocating and there is no one to blame but yourself. That's the point I hit a while back. I've used this alone time to weed out the "muck" and polish the aspects of myself that I enjoy and that are crucial to my being. Changing and forming yourself is mostly attitude. It's a decision. Sometimes you will have to go through the bad and the ugly. You may have to deal with things from your past. But how do you fight a ghost? That's what the past is isn't it?  A ghost?

Fighting your inner demons and the "ghost of self past" is never an easy feat, yet it is important and critical to allowing yourself to live life. I've had to fight them. I am still fighting them. One ghost or one demon at a time. Never try to take it all at once, because you will not be able to handle it. Creating yourself and becoming who you want to be - who you see yourself as - is not simple and it does not happen over night. It is a long, tedious process, but it is well worth it in the end. I am still not who I want to be. I am still on that road of creating myself, and I think that as people, we are always creating ourselves. We are always growing and learning. If we stop growing - stop changing - then we die, be it physically, mentally or emotionally.

Guys, allow yourself to change. Don't be afraid it. It's okay to be anxious, nervous and even a little scared of the outcome of change, but don't let that fear stop you from changing. Embrace it. Be who YOU want YOU to be. Not what someone else wants you to be. Don't ever hide yourself. You will lose yourself and you will desperately wish you hadn't begun hiding in the first place. Don't ever give up.

Keep Strong-

All my love

Dreamin'....and a Lil Taste of Liquid Courage

Well, last weekend marked the end of milestone....well, sorta. At the beginning of this semester I had 3 years until I could attend medical school and now I have 2 1/2. Now, many of you may say "Samantha, 2 1/2 years? You have a while..that's a long time away." Which in most cases, those people saying that would be right. However, since I changed direction mid-major and decided to be CRAZY and go after my dream of being a medical doctor, it is not that long of stretch of time. I have to fit at least 8 science courses, 1 trig course, 1 calculus course, 1-2 medical terminology courses and the rest of the psychology courses I need to completely my dual degree in 5 semesters. On top of this, I also have to prepare for the MCAT which I will have to take during the 3rd or 4th semester.

(A side note, I received my grades in my classes this semester and added up, I have a 4.33 GPA!! YEA BUDDY!)

Academically, I think I am insane, yet it doesn't stop there. In addition to having to complete all the academic requirements, I also must keep my M-F 8-5 job and I must keep up tutoring the kids I do because, well, a) I love it and b) it looks good on a resume. Then comes clinicals. Over this coming summer I am going to be starting volunteering at the Children's hospital in order to get clinical time under my belt. I have many things to juggle both professionally and academically and anyone who says that I do not work hard...well, honestly they can kiss my ass because I'd like them to try to pull all of this off with....the last 1/3 of the pie.

People's lives can usually be put into three categories: educational, professional and personal. I have yet to talk about the personal. I am currently in a long-term relationship with the mother of my daughter. However, my situation is a little different than most. My daughter...was not planned nor was she a result of a bad judgement call. My daughter is the "beauty from ashes" result of a very horrific event that happened to my partner. Being the person I am, I could not walk away when she needed me the most. I have not walked away since and I do not plan to walk away. I have no idea how I am going to accomplish everything I need to in order to not only get into medical school but get through it while having a family that I must support, but I know that I can do the impossible.

I have so many plans for my life. So many thoughts and "I'd like to do this" ideas. I love to write. I love to share what I have gone through to young women and to kids. I feel that because of what I have gone through as a child, as a teen and as a young adult I can impart knowledge and wisdom into open minds. I never claimed to be "good" at writing, I just claim the love of it. It allows me a release like no other - not drugs, alcohol, sex...  Nothing quite consumes me like writing....well that's a lie. A good book....and I'm a critic, so I mean it has to be a goooooood book. Right now, my addiction is being sedated by an amazing series called The Calliope Reaper-Jones Novels by Amber Benson. I didn't even know she had her own series until last month. Once I found out, I "youtubed" her book readings and listened to opinions about the book then finally got my own copy of the first. I couldn't put it down. Now I am on the second - and I am still just as addicted.

Writing and reading give me a way of dealing with present day issues, just in different ways. Reading a book takes me into another world and I get so wrapped up into the character that my body (and my brain) can recoop from present day drama. Writing offers a way of getting everything that had flooded my already crammed brain out. It gives me an outlet...and a much needed one.

This morning I woke up to another random call from "Unknown". I have eliminated the possibility of it being a telemarketer or bill collector (yes, I am 25... I have bill collectors - actually someone thinks I am Elizabeth Jenkins  - so Ms Jenkins if you are reading this [which you probably are not], please tell Son-Huy-Yo that my phone number is not yours, because she obviously isn't listening it me), so that leaves two likely options around a multitude of possibilities - being a) my ex or b) a Spanish-speaking Arizonian who -for some strange reason - thinks I am his "Ese" or "Mamasita". Let me make things crystal ok? I am not prejudice, I dislike everyone equally - especially when they wake me at 8am on my Saturday to sleep in. ok?  So either way, I have not found out who "Unknown" is because if it happens to be the first possibility I may just lash out and hex her over the phone.

Ok, So back to the story.  After my 8am wake up call from "Unknown" I didn't feel like getting out of bed, so I watched How I Met Your Mother and screwed around on twitter for a lil. Then, at 9 I get another call. My phone was under my pillow and I practically ripped the bed apart looking for it. When I looked down at the ID, I saw it was Dr. Blizzard.  (My mom gave me Dr. B's number a couple days ago so that I could input the numbers into my phone so I would know it was him if he called). Now, don't freak out. Dr. Blizzard is the man who performed a research study on the Human Growth Hormone that my stepdad was in during the 60's. My mom, my stepdad and Dr. Blizzard met a couple months ago and asked my mom a lot of questions about me... because I'm pre-med and everything. Well, he also asked her if I would consider going to the University of Virginia - which is where he teaches.

So in a matter of 3 seconds, I tried to wake myself up enough to be coherent to the 90year old man that would be on the other end of the line. We talked for approximately 20 minutes about my grades (it confused him because I have higher than a 4.0 and so I had to explain that my university accepts + or -  into their calculations), about choosing a medical school, perhaps going D.O. instead of M.D., a study about psychological trauma and its effects on the HGH (as well as how he is going to send me a transcript of that study), and about when I come to UVA in the summer to look around, I need to call him so we can meet. I think in 20 minutes I charmed the man over. He told me how incredible he thinks I am. I told him about the situation I am in - being a full time employee, a tutor, a mom, a dual time student (12 credits at one school, 12 credits at a second school), a lgbtq mentor and a partner. He told me that I sound like someone who could handle the stress and quick pace of the job. He kept telling me how he was moved by my passion and my drive. This conversation seriously, put me on top of the world this morning. 

In relation to this, as long as finances are a-ok, I made a deal with myself. If I received an "A" or higher in one of the classes I didn't think I was doing so hot in, I would get myself a present. So my sister and I are going to go to her tattoo shop on the 30th. I am getting the first out of the 3 symbols of my survival tattooed on. For this to make any sense, there's a few things you must know about me...

The first, is I was abused as a kid. The second is that I came out as being gay in a conservative and Christian community. The third - when my ex wife and I split, I went down a very dark and dangerous path. I was cutter for most of my life, I did drugs from the time i was 16, I drank myself stupid and when my ex and i broke up, I found that I was sleeping with any and every girl I could. I moved to Arizona to get away from all of that. And since, I've rebuilt myself from the ground up. Now, I want to go into medical school and really make a change. I want to find the cause of autism and develop a treatment plan based on that cause. I then want to set up my own orgaization - which I'll define and breakdown for ya'll in another post sometime.

Anyway- I am 25 years old and just embarking on the pre-med degree. I have a family, a job...a life. So, I want to get a set of 3 tattoos. The Japanese symbol for love on my left wrist, the symbol for faith on the back of my neck and the symbol for dream on my right wrist. In order to accomplish what I have set out for myself to accomplish, I must continue to have these three in my life at all times. Without love you cannot have faith. Without faith you cannot dream. Without dreams, you cannot love.

SO, my sister and I are going to go get the first of three done. Since I want to go to medical school, I cannot have any visible tattoos. So I am going to go get the symbol for faith done on the back of my neck. It's going to be small and discrete but it will serve as a reminder that I must...MUST have faith. When my sister and i were talking about this, I asked her one simple question.... "Do you have any vodka?"  she replied with the typical "No, but I can get some." Now I know, you're not supposed to drink before getting a tattoo...however, the thought of a lot of tiny needles going into my skin at a very fast pace terrifies the hell out of me. Therefore, I will need a shot (or two) of liquid courage.  wish me luck. lol

So guys, take a lesson from me...keep your faith. keep dreaming. keep loving. When you have a dream - don't even give up on it. The dream will not come true if you sit on your couch and watch TV all damn day. You HAVE to put in the effort. You have to work for it. However, while you are working for it, don't let obstacles stop you. Each obstacle you encounter serves as a reminder that you are one step closer to the finish line. Dreams come true guys. Never give up on them. You have to keep going. Keep dreaming. Even if it seems impossible. NOTHING is impossible. And when you are at the edge of dreaming and giving up... take a drink of liquid courage. =)

Pre-Post...

Ok, So I know I started a "story" type thing with the whole "part 1" labeling. I will continue - this is my...well, its a form of getting everything out and letting it go. After opening myself back up to things, I'm remembering a lot and I need some place to jot them down. So this it is.

However, in between continuous parts of that "story", I will be writing other blogs. So stay tuned